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Introduction to Judgement Free Challenge
This training works best when you only do one lesson at a time for one full week, seven days. In those seven days you will encounter a variety of situations where the skill will apply. As instructed, be aware of observations and notice how your observations impact you, create feelings or interpretations in you rbody or mind. Take your time. Have fun.
Lesson 1
I want to jump in and get you started. During the next few days I want you to pay attention to how frequently you judge someone close to you as right or wrong. Family member, friend or intimate partner. Something they do, something they don't do, or something they say. How do you observe it, do you hear or see it? Do you notice more things that are right or more things that are wrong?
Recognizing our patterns is the first step to making meaningful change. I am going to help you move out of judgment thinking to heart centered gratitude and appreciation in just a few short weeks. I look forward to our conversations. Post your comments during the week and I will see you next Friday (or sooner).
Lesson 2
Notice your observations of how frequently you observed someone as right or wrong. Identify if they were primarily family or friends, co-worker or intimate partner.
I want you to consider that those persons you observed are expressing themselves as imperfect human beings communicating based on what they believe is needed in that situation based on their limited experience or specific knowledge about the situation or not knowing what you need from them in that moment. They are operating from their own impression of how be or what to do or say. Lesson #2 is to recognize that everyone is not perfect, we are all perfectly imperfect. In future lessons you will learn how to communicate without judgment or criticism because we all do what we think is best or needed in the moment. Pay attention and i will ask for your comments in the next lesson.
Lesson 3
Consider what operating in judgment and criticizing does for you. Does it make you feel powerful or having more authority over the other person? Does it make you feel better than them? Smarter? Enter your comments below. Consider how you can communicate with them without pointing out their flaws but instead expressing what you observe and asking for what you need from them. A sample statement might be "When you do XXX(Behavior) I feel like YYY(your reaction) . I need for you to XYZ(what you want ). Are you willing to do that for me?" This way you don't criticize the person you identify the behavior and express its impact on you, you identify your needs and make a request for them to give you what you need. From there it is up to them to comply or not to comply. you have empowered them to make a choice to support the relationship that exists between you. Comment if you have a chance to try this out during the week.
Lesson 4
Today we are going to re-map our minds. I want you to keep these ideas in mind. Thoughts are illusions. Words are interpretations. Let's start with thoughts. You can tell when someone operates in judgment based on what they say when they don't know the facts of a situation. For example, in a conversation, one party says "I didn't call because I thought you were busy." They did not know for certain your activity or whether you were busy or not. they constructed the illusion of you being busy based on a set of information that may or may not have been accurate or valid. It very often is formed based on prior experience. The proper communication would be "I didn't call, were you busy?" That way they are stating a fact that they did not call and asking the question to validate their assumption that you were busy which justified their not calling.
Words are our best interpretations of ideas that we want to express to share with the receiver. They are inherently inefficient. Yet words can be honed to convey a sharp and precise message. A significant portion of the power in words relies on the interpretation of the receiver. I'll explain it. The schematic for the transaction of communication starts with an idea which is a thought about something, usually a thought which aligns with a belief. A belief having been constructed based on a series of facts usually from personal experience or acquired information. When the desire is to express the thought in words the speaker must search his inventory of accessible words to identify which ones best, based on his interpretation of those words, will best convey the pure essence of the message he desires to convey. He expressed his thought in words adding tone, volume, pace, inflection, and other qualitative characteristics to his words. The words fly through the air to the receiver who interprets, the tone, volume, pace inflections, and other qualities and the words themselves through the filter of his assessment of the speaker and assigns his meaning to the words and interprets the message being sent for its meaning. It's like a football tumbling through the air until caught by a receiver. The meaning and the information received in the communicated can be decisively different than the intended message. This is the essence of conflict in our society that fills the courts with disputes about words and meaning in contract litigation. Communication means to come together in agreement. The intent of communication and the basis of this program is to enhance our understanding of the inefficiency of our words in the hopes that we can seek better understanding by asking for clarification to better capture the true messages in our communication with others. Ponder this until you engage the next lesson and consider this schematic while you are listening to people hold conversation and see if you can recognize where the misinterpretations occur.
Lesson 5
Imagine this scenario. A mom tells her small child "Don't run." and he continues to run. Or she says "Don't spill your milk." and within minutes his glass tumbles over and the milk spills all over the table. Do you know why? Here is the answer. the brain cannot hold a negative thought. It is wired for positive or neutral, but not negativity. when you give a direction that is constructed in the negative, the brain doesn't recognize the negative tense. It automatically translates the message into a positiive statement. For example, when mom says "don't spill your milk" the brain hears "Spill your milk". This exercise is intended to increase your awareness of how you shape your messages and to re-construct them into positive affirming messages. For example, mom might say "Hold your milk with both hands" or "I want you to make sure your milk stays in the cup", or "Walk, step slowly" Another way to describe this shift is to ask for what you want, not what you don't want because what you don't want is translated into what you want anyway. Commonly my clients would escribe that hey told their partners what they didn't want from them and the partner would give it anyway because their brain heard the words but did not comprehend and absorb the message being communicated. During the next week, pay attention to your own messages and also listen for other peoples negative messaging around you. See if you can determine what they are asking for instead of what they are asking to avoid. Practice re-forming the statements in your own mind for practice reshaping your messaging going forward.
Lesson 6
In the prior weeks I have asked you to listen and observe yourself and others to begin to pay attention to your communication patterns. And these are patterns influenced by your experiences and the people around you. We mirror the speech patterns of those we connect with unconsciously. Several years ago I had a job where I had daily contact with a very nice lady in an office that I had regular contact within the course of my duties. Whenever anyone would leave her office, she would call you dear. "Have a nice day dear", "See you tomorrow dear.' After a few months, the word dear started to end my salutations. I walked into another woman's office and when my work was finished, I uttered "See you next time dear." I almost got my head chewed off. The woman was offended and let me know that I was not her "Dear". I apologized profusely.
I hacve asked you to notice these characteristics to help you begin to shift from an inter-actor in the communication, to an interactive observer, so you can communicate and the same time be aware of the form of your message and the potential obstacles which exist between you and the receiver of your message. Practice your observation for the next week, post your comments about your observations and we will go a step deeper in the next lesson.
Lesson 7
Words are illusions. What do I mean by this? Words are only labels that have meaning because we have a general or common understanding about their meaning. If I say "Car" we both understand what I am referring to because we have a general understanding based upon common acceptance of the word CAR to identify what we call a CAR. But they are illusions because, at best, they are our best representations of what we are trying to communicate based upon our understanding of the word as it relates to the subject and the breadth of our vocabulary. Even though there may be a common meaning, a word can mean something to someone and something completely different to someone else. The context and contrast of the meanings can be influenced by the common usage of the word in our spheres of influence. (I have a sphere of influence map available for download on the page) Think about this idea for a moment. What does BLUE mean to you? Is it a color, a feeling, or a style of music? As a color, what shade of blue is blue for you? As a feeling, what is the feeling that you describe as blue? And music, do you have a common comprehension of what the blues refers to? Can you identify words that you use that you have discovered mean something specific to you but have a clearly different meaning or interpretation by your partner in a current or past relationship? During this next week, pay attention to the words people use and notice when there is a common understanding and when there is the opportunity for miscommunication due to varied interpretations of the words they are using. This exercise will flex your ability to be much more precise in your communication without judgment or criticism. I'll meet you at the next lesson.
Lesson 8
We are stepping into judgment and criticism in depth now. When people criticize or judge others often times you will observe ( with your newly honed observation skills) that they are projecting their personal biases or opinions and imposing them onto the other person, the receiver of their communication. It is perfectly fine to have strong opinions and beliefs. It is not fine to impose them onto others without their approval or acknowledgment. When we do so, we are asserting power or attempting to control by gaining the person to conform to our expectations of them either you be more like what we desire them to be or based on our interpretation and judgment of what we often believe is best for them regardless of what they determine as best for themselves. Avoiding judgment involves offering choices and empowering the receiver of our messaging with information, we have permission to share, to make appropriate choices for themselves with the benefit of information we may have from our own experiences, recognizing our experiences may be different from theirs. We accomplish this by speaking in what i describe as a "coaching" manner. Asking questions, sharing personal knowledge to inform rather than to dictate. For example, "Have you ever considered taking a vacation by yourself?' instead of "You need to take a vacation and be alone for a while.", or "I think you need a vacation and get away from everybody for a while". Asking questions invites the receiver to consider the option you are presenting without it being your recommendation. It keeps them in control of their own choice. It does not diminish their power or self-determination. "You" statements, starting with the word "you" come across as a command or directive. It inherently represents authority, "I am telling you what you need to do". The same for "I" statements, leading with the word "I", has the same effect in this context. Questions shift the receiver's attention to something you are suggesting without presenting it in an imposing manner. Another appropriate way to approach this without judgment or criticism is to share your experience. For example. "When I took my last vacation I went alone and I discovered I really like having the ability to schedule my own activities and not have to be concerned about everyone else having a good time. Is that something you might consider?" Try that technique during the week along with the others mentioned. Anytime you want to give advise or tell someone what to do you need to obtain their permission before delivering the statement. Asking permission eliminates the perception of seizing power ot authority over them and instead, giving them information based on your concern for them and always end the message with something similar to "in my opinion" or "that's the way I see your situation". These closing comments take the sting out of thr message that "I see your situation better than you do". Instead they communicate "this is my best view of the situation with your best interest at heart". Practice these techniques during the week and enter your comments for discussion. Recapping:
Avoid "You" statements and "I" statements when speaking about the other person. (This does not cancel using "I" statement when talking about your self or your needs)
Ask suggestive questions.
Include neutralizing closing comment
Share your personal experience with the topic
Ask for permission to offer direct advise or guidance.
In the next lesson, I will share a bit about positions. See you there.
Lesson 9
Position. When someone shares their opinion or perspective on a subject or situation, we say they are asserting their position. Tis is a way of neutralizing the emotional impact their implied power or authority they communicate with their statements. Once we recognize they are simply asserting (vocalizing) their position about a topic, we can shield ourselves from feeling judged or criticized because we no longer see it as about us but more about them and their ideas or beliefs.. Unfortunately, we are conditioned from our childhood to accept implied authority by someone's tone and delivery. As adults, we can recognize that this may simply be an indication of the strength of their beliefs on the subject. Recognizing that what they are asserting their position helps us to understand there may be the possibility for movement off of their position with new information we can share or introduce to them. Also, it diminishes the sting and the damaging impact of feeling judged or criticized. Remember it s only a feeling that is being stimulated by our own interpretation of what we are hearing. It is not a reality. When you strengthen this skill, no one except yourself can judge or criticize you with any impact. There will be lingering twinges when you hear it but you will be able to deflect their damage to your esteem. Practice observing people as they assert their positions and look past your own interpretations of judgment or criticism to focus on their message. How could you have said it differently. Remember they have not learned what you are learning here. Post your observations in the comments for discussion.
Lesson 10
Put it all together